So the six-week holiday is almost upon us! Like all wholesome middle-class families, we’re frantically trying to think of ways to keep our brood amused for seven and a half weeks. God only knows why it’s called the “six weeks holiday” but there you go?!
Anyway, you may have visions of spending hot summer days at the beach with your little pumpkins lovingly playing in the sand together, while you sip on your Prosecco ice lolly in peace, quiet and tranquilly, or have dreams of the kids not twating each other over the head every thirty seconds and needing your presence just to breath.
Yeah. You’re deluded. Sorry.
Here’s my debrief on what happened last year, and will dash any hope you have of a pleasant summer of fun.
- It will take you 4 hours to pack your car for a 6-hour day trip out and you’ll have 45 different arguments about stupid things before even leaving the house.
2. Going out for the day, anywhere, involves you applying for a payday loan.
3. But you are fun, wild mummy. You are crazy. Unstoppable. Ice creams and Capri-suns for everyone!
4. CRAP! Did you forget that the mystical money tree that your kids think is real doesn’t actually exist? Sad face.
5. If you stay close to home, you feel like you could face anything!
6. Then wish you’d gone out after all.
7. Essential supplies start off being fruit, vegetables, and hummus but swiftly turn into crisps, chicken nuggets, and Fruit Shoots.
8. You make a list of all the fun things you want to get done over the holidays.
9. Bedtime becomes obsolete. I mean, they’re bound to sleep in right, so who cares!
10. Having a BBQ till 11 pm and drinking Prosecco out of mugs is not cool.
11. Despite going to bed late for 4 nights in a row, the kids will still wake with the sun.
12. You will want to kill yourself about 6754 times a day.
13. You power on, because, well, you love your kids right?
14. Technology is your saving grace.
15. Crafts suck.
16. Having playdates at your house is for fools. Only stupid people offer. Don’t be a stupid person.
17. Cake is your friend. Always and forever.
18. A forest is a dangerous place.
19. Splash time=wine time.
20. You realise that all this happened last year and somehow all the horror was wiped from your memory by one good day.
Ah. What sweethearts. (Not.)
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